


Review

by protectoroffaeries



Series: High School AU Stories [3]
Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Contraceptives, Larrikin being inappropriate (as per usual, discussions about sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 13:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7936369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectoroffaeries/pseuds/protectoroffaeries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS CONCERNING CERTAIN MEMBERS OF THE STUDENT BODY, ALL STUDENTS WILL BE REQUIRED TO REVIEW PORTIONS OF THE STANDARD SEXUAL EDUCATION COURSE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Review

**Author's Note:**

> A few important notes about this fic:
> 
> Listen, I don't know what you guys learn on the topicof sex at school. I don't know where you're from, if it gets much attention or not, if you didn't take the class/certain parts of the class because of religious beliefs.
> 
> What I do know is this: in the United States, we normally have either a class specifically called Sex Ed(ucation) or a week or so in an normal health class that covers the topic. Now, depending on your community you might focus on different things but normally STIs, contraceptives, the mechanics of sex, and perhaps the internal biological structure of sex. 
> 
> We talking about this in middle school (roughly around age 13 or 14), which is part of the reason why this fic is more of a review for them (as they should've covered it already - but I wanted Larrikin there and Larrikin is not in middle school with the other Dead Men in this AU). Also, as far as I know, schools don't usually review this kind of stuff if comes out that someone's pregnant. That's just something I made up as an excuse to write this.
> 
> Also - usually my writing is pretty readable (I think), however, I use a lot of terminology in this fic that one might not be immediately familiar with, especially if English isn't your first language - if there are any questions, I'll answer them in the comments or you could always use Google.
> 
> I wrote this in honor of school starting up this week!
> 
> Okay, that's everything! Sorry for such a long author's note! I hope you enjoy the fic!

Saracen had a habit of running late, but only on days when something deviated from his normal routine. For example, today he barreled into his music class, and realized that no one was there. The upside of that was no one saw him run into that music stand, but now he had the problem of figuring out where everyone was. 

He wandered out into the hallway and noticed Principal Meritorious at the end of it, talking to some other students. 

“-classes are going to be different today,” he was saying when Saracen walked over. “You're to report to one of the health or science rooms first. If you'll just give me your name, I can tell you where to go.”

Saracen joined the cluster of kids, still clueless as to why they were doing this, and found out after much pushing and shoving that he was supposed to go to Ms. Rose’s room.

He hadn't had Ms. Rose yet - he figured he'd probably have her when he took chemistry next year - but he'd heard about her from some of his friends. Apparently, she was rather severe. 

Saracen walked up the stairs and promptly got himself lost (twice) trying to find Ms. Rose’s room. In his defense, it was tucked in a nook off the main hall that wasn't altogether easy to notice. 

“Mister Rue, I presume,” Ms. Rose boomed when he finally entered the classroom. She checked something off on a paper fixed to a clipboard and motioned for him to find a seat. 

Saracen looked around the unfamiliar room, which was fitted with two person tables instead of individual desks. Larrikin gave him a little wave from where he was seated beside Anton, Hopeless had an expression his face that said he was very done with the boy who was attempting to sleep on his shoulder - Erskine. Skulduggery and Ghastly were sitting in the back, playing paper football. Ghastly had his hands up, making the goal post, and Skulduggery flicked the triangle of paper through it expertly. Dexter was also sitting in the back by himself, absently chewing on a pen’s cap.

Saracen had never been in a class that had all of his guy friends in it, which made this sudden schedule change more concerning. And then Saracen realized Ms. Rose was the only female in the room. 

Saracen quickly sat down beside Dexter. “What is going on?” he hissed.

“Sex ed refresher,” Dexter answered. “I'm assuming it's because Eliza Scorn got pregnant.”

“Has she said who's the father yet?” 

Dexter shook his head. “Perhaps they're trying to weed him out,” he suggested, sounding amused. 

Good luck with that, Saracen thought. Aloud, he said, “Okay, but when did we stop doing this co-ed? And if we're not doing it coed, why is our teacher a woman?”

“Principal Meritorious made an announcement about that. Apparently, he just wants us to review the information relevant to us biologically. He - or the school board, whoever makes these decisions - wanted us to get through this as ‘quickly and efficiently as possible,’” Dexter explained, raising his voice to a higher pitch and moving his fingers in a quoting motion during the quote.

“And what about Ms. Rose?” 

“They probably figured she was the only one who could keep this group in line,” muttered Dexter, and Saracen laughed.

“Boys!” Ms. Rose barked, and the murmurs and mutters quieted. “You all know why you're here.”

Larrikin raised his hand, and everyone look at him. Ms. Rose’s eyes narrowed in his direction, but Saracen had the feeling that if she actually knew Larrikin, she would've just ignored him. 

“Yes? Who are you?”

“My name’s Larrikin,” he said, “and I'm not sure why I'm here.”

Saracen didn't know whether to laugh or sigh. 

“You are here because some of your peers,” she eyed them, like she believed they were all sexually active, “seem to have forgotten what you learned in your middle school health class. Consider this your refresher.” Ms. Rose said this a bit threateningly, as if there would be dire consequences if any of them so much as considered having sex. 

“Now surely one of you can tell me what the most effective form of birth control is?” she asked, eyebrow raised. 

Unsurprisingly, Larrikin’s hand shot up. No one else volunteered. From the looks on the other guys’ faces, it seemed like everyone but Ms. Rose was familiar with Larrikin’s antics. 

“Yes, Mr. Larrikin?” She already sounded like she regretted it even as she granted him permission to speak. 

“Anal?” guessed Larrikin. Snickers filled the classroom, but died quickly as Ms. Rose glared at them. Saracen had heard stories about that glare. He now knew that said stories were not exaggerations. Ms. Rose’s looks probably really could kill.

“Larrikin,” Anton admonished, though he sounded more bored than reprimanding. 

“Abstinence,” Ms. Rose stated sharply. 

Larrikin murmured something that sounded like, “knew it started with ‘a’,” but the other guys didn't dare laugh at it. Saracen saw Dexter roll his eyes at the comment. For some reason, Dexter didn't like Larrikin much. Stupid of him, really. Larrikin was attractive and amusing, if not a bit crude at times.

“If you decide not to abstain, what are some possible consequences?”

“You could get someone pregnant,” suggested Ghastly absently. It was his turn to flick the paper football, and he was very precise about lining up his shot. Saracen was not surprised to see Skulduggery and Ghastly taking a playground game so seriously.

“Anton, I think I'm pregnant,” Larrikin stage whispered to Anton.

Anton sighed longsufferingly. “And who's the father?” he asked.

Larrikin batted his eyelashes. “You, of course, darling.”

“That's enough,” interjected Ms. Rose. “I expect you all to be mature about this topic. You'll be adults in a couple years.”

“Why is their romance so much better than ours?” whispered Saracen jokingly to Dexter. They were friends. That was all. Saracen wasn't opposed to being more than friends with Dexter, but he didn't know where Dexter stood. Didn't want to lose his friend.

“You call sixteen and pregnant romantic?” Dexter shot back dryly.

“No, but I'm also pretty sure Larrikin isn't pregnant.”

“Really? Whyever not?”

“Other consequences of sex?” asked Ms. Rose. 

“STDs?” piped up one of the Mayberry brothers.

“They're called STIs now,” Ms. Rose said, “but yes.” Saracen wasn't sure why they'd changed Disease to whatever the I stood for (infections, Ms. Rose claimed), but he also didn't care much. They were the same thing, anyway.

“Any other consequences? No?” Larrikin’s hand shot up again. “I know I'm going to regret this - yes, Mr. Larrikin?”

“Orgasms. Money, if you're savvy. Deep emotional bonding,” Larrikin said. Saracen didn't see how she could fault him for that - after all, she'd never specified that she wanted negative consequences.

There was a certain connotation to the word consequence, though…

“I think you have to be at least a little savvy to orgasm,” murmured Dexter.

“Not as savvy as you have to be to get money,” Hopeless said from in front of them without turning around. 

Saracen considered it. “How savvy does one have to be to be a prostitute?”

“Sounds like a question for Ms. Rose,” Skulduggery said from beside them. He looked rather happy, as oppose to Ghastly, who was openly scowling. Paired with his scars, he made for a menacing picture. Saracen figured that Skulduggery had won the paper football game.

“Larrikin, out!” Ms. Rose demanded. They'd been arguing about something - presumably Larrikin’s questionable answer - but Saracen had been too wrapped up in the savvy discussion to take note of the exact exchange.

“Wait, I'm sorry, that was inappropriate of me,” Larrikin back-tracked. “Can I please have one more chance? I have some questions about condoms.”

For a long moment of silence, Saracen was sure she was going to tell him to get out again, but eventually she said, “I would think long and hard about your phrasing next time.”

Larrikin winked at her. “I recommend you do the same.”

Ms. Rose ignored that comment, and quite frankly Saracen was surprised she didn't jump down his throat over it. But then, Larrikin had some mystical aversion to getting in trouble - even when it seemed like he should be in deep shit, he was usually given another chance.

“So now that we've gone over some consequences of having sex,” she addressed the class, eying Larrikin suspiciously, “let's talk about contraceptives. What are they?”

“They prevent pregnancy,” Skulduggery answered. “Most of the time. Providing they're used properly.”

“Correct. Now I know you all probably learned about the contraceptives across both sexes; however for the sake of this review, we'll just stick with the ones relevant to you. Mainly the condom.”

“What else is there?” Anton asked.

“Something a bit more permanent - the vasectomy.” Saracen cringed at the thought of anything sharp ever going anywhere near his crotch.

“But I don't think that's a realistic option for any of you at this moment, so we'll stick to the condom,” Ms. Rose continued. She plucked something off her desk - a wooden ruler - and then she walked down the aisle between the tables. Saracen had no idea what she was doing until…

She slammed the rule down on the table in front of where Erskine was dosing. He jumped, startled by the noise, and swiveled his head around wildly. “Wha-?”

“Mister Ravel, can you tell me what condoms are capable of besides preventing pregnancy?”

“Condoms?” Erskine repeated tiredly.

“Yes, Mister Ravel, condoms. I assume you're familiar with them?”

Erskine blushed. “Yeah. Um. I don't know. Thought that was all they did.”

“Most condoms, yes, that's all they do - however latex condoms also prevent some STIs.”

“There are condoms that aren't made of latex?” Larrikin blurted. Saracen thought that to be a relevant question, which was surprising because it was, well, Larrikin.

“Yes. For people with latex allergies.”

“Then what are they made of?”

“Lambskin is the most popular material for non-latex condoms.”

“I hope that isn't made of what it sounds like,” Erskine mumbled. 

“I'm sorry to disappoint,” Ms. Rose said in a tone that implied she wasn't sorry in the slightest.

“But those don't prevent any STDs?” clarified Anton. Saracen couldn't tell if he was legitimately interested in the conversation or not. It was hard to tell that type of stuff with Anton.

“STIs and no, they don't.”

“Are enough people allergic to latex to make those marketable?” mused Skulduggery. 

“This isn't a business class, Mister Pleasant. Other important information about condoms: they expire.”

“Doesn't everyone know that?” Larrikin muttered. Saracen hadn't, in fact, known that - but then he'd never had the occasion to buy any condoms. He assumed that information like the damn expiration date would be somewhere on the box or something. 

“Don't leave them anywhere they could get hot, like in a wallet or a car,” she continued. The ignoring Larrikin route was working well for her. 

Hopeless raised his hand, making him one of the first people to respect that school rule today. Ms. Rose called on him.

“Um. Spermicide. Should we use that?” he asked awkwardly, and everyone turned to stare at him. His face, Saracen noticed, was as red as his hair.

“Spermicide?” repeated Larrikin. “Is that like death by ejaculation?”

“Mister Larrikin!”

“I was just trying to figure out the definition of the word!”

“It's a substance that kills sperm,” said Ms. Rose tartly.

“So more like pesticide than homicide, huh?”

“Precisely.”

“Ah. Sorry,” a very not sorry Larrikin replied. Saracen could tell by the grin on his face.

“As for Mister Schlanger’s question,” Hopeless winced at the sound of his last name - the poor guy had an awful name, “I would say that in most cases spermicide can help prevent pregnancy.”

“What woman are you planning on sleeping with?” Erskine whispered to Hopeless. Dexter and Saracen looked at each other and laughed.

“I was just curious,” Hopeless protested.

“Any more questions?” Ms. Rose inquired, oblivious to their conversation in the back

Larrikin raised his hand, which was a sign for trouble. 

“I know I'm going to regret this - what, Mister Larrikin?” 

“Is it true you can fit a whole condom over your arm?”

Ms. Rose sighed. “It depends on the size of the condom and of the arm in question-”

“I was referring to your arm specifically.”

“Mister Larrikin!”

Larrikin laughed, and the rest of the class, Saracen included, laughed with him.

***  
Valkyrie looked down at the list in her hand, and then at Tanith, and then down at the list. “I did not realize there were so many kinds of birth control,” she said.

“We talked about them in middle school,” Tanith told her. “We had like one quiz over them. There are more of them then I remember. Two different kinds of birth control pills?”

“I think they have different… stuff,” Valkyrie said, and Tanith laughed. 

“I would hope so.”

“So do you think if you used a male condom and a female condom, it would be double the protection?”

Tanith shook her head. “Nah, they would both probably break. Because of the friction between them. They emphasized that the last time we learned this.”

“Ah.” Valkyrie hadn't really learned all of this at her old school. Mostly they'd talked about how abstainence was best. “What's a diaphragm? I thought that was a muscle under your lungs.”

“If you hold your breath while having sex,” Tanith began, grinning. Valkyrie smacked her on the shoulder. 

“C’mon, Tanith. Don't I need to know this?”

“It explains them on the sheet.”

“Wow, thanks. What if I have questions?”

“You expect me to have answers? Ask Ms. Jane!”

Valkyrie gave a dramatic sigh.

“Alright, fine. I get the shot. It's quick and easy and once every three months,” Tanith relented, pointing to the shot on the list.

“Wait, you use birth conrtol? Are you even having sex?"

Tanith winked at her.


End file.
